I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
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I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
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I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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