If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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