Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
