Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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