i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
A bitchslap is in order.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
