is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
