I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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