note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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