Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
