I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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