I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Let's paint friendship bongs
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
