I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
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