Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
