Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
So here I am, sexting at work.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
