i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
