Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
