we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
