I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
