Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He told me they were just razor bumps!
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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