my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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