the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
