I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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