Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
