My Higher Power is John Stamos
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
