I look better un-naked...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
