Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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