Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
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