I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
