just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
where am i from again
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The Olympian is in my bed
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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