I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
