i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
