I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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