in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
