Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
