I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
