I'd wear matching sweaters with you
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
sex in a hospital.. check
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
