I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
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