Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
