she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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