Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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