Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
