I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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