it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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