"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize