you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
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He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
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I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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