FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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