My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
