Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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