cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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