i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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