A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
