Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Your penis caused this!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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