How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
