after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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