then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
