Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
