I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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