We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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