also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
