im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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