I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
