I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize