I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
